Must Be Thanksgiving!

The Macy’s parade is in full swing, there’s an improvised razzleberry pie is in the oven and I’m running late.

Must be Thanksgiving!

And there’s much to be thankful for.

Obviously, the most ginormous of them all is the sponge being in jail where he can’t hurt anyone I love.  They moved him this week to a prison in Beeville, TX, which is about a 6 hour drive, which means it’ll be very hard for my sister to visit him, which means my youngest niece won’t have to spend every weekend in prison listening to a raving lunatic.

Thank you SO much Morgan Freeman!

Other than that everything else seems little, even though that couldn’t be further from the truth.

I’m still thankful for my family (whether they’re speaking to me or not) and friends and health and job and roof of my head and all three of my blog readers and Dutch’s machete wound healing up and…

Oh, did I not mention that?

Last Sunday my father was out in the back yard hacking down banana plants with a machete and accidentally hit GoldenBoy’s dog, Dutch, with it.

Dutch Machete

It’s hard to see, but he’s got a six-inch gash full of staples in the middle of that bald patch.  The poor thing didn’t make a sound, not even a yelp.  Dad didn’t even know he’d hit him until he turned around and saw a gaping hole in his side!

Poor Dutchie.  He was a little sad, but he’ll bounce back.  Bitches love scars, you know.

What else?

I’m thankful for green sauce, Nutella, not having too be cut out of my house, almost being done knitting a giant Chewbacca and…

Did I not mention that either?

With all the stress last year I lost the will to knit, but after buying tickets to see the new Star Wars movie I was inspired again and started work on a giant Chewbacca!

When I say “giant” I mean he’s going to be huge compared to anything else I’ve ever knit…

Chewbacca knit and blurry

Yes, that’s me and yes it’s taller than I am (5’2″).  I need to reshape his head and finish one of his arms, but the knitting is almost over!  After that I felt him in the washing machine (he’ll shrink by  1/3), stuff him and then try not to screw him up when I needle felt his face.

Don’t worry.  Once he’s shrunk, stuffed and I sew his crotch up his legs will look more proportionate!

Trust me.

If he turns out how I picture him in my head and he’s not too big I’m going to take him to the movies with us.

Consider yourself warned, MadamBob!

I should make him a medal!  What do you think?


The pie’s done!

And it exploded.

razzleberry pie exposion

All over the bottom of the oven!

Clearly I improvised wrong.

Then again, I had one explode on me before and it ended up oozing out of the cake cover and into the passenger seat of my old Equinox.

And that was without improvisation.

Maybe that’s just what razzleberry pies do!  They explode!  Someone should really disclose that in the recipe.

Oh well, as long as it tastes good, right?

It’s going to be interesting getting it across town.

Speaking of, I’d better get moving before the family starts rioting.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!







Posted in humor, knitting, Star Wars, The Holidays, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

Five Homerisms I Use In Real Life

Homer: Fiddle-dee-dee. That will require a tetanus shot.

Stepping on a nail after promising not to swear prompted this from Homer. Slamming my fingers in a car door while in the presence of my nieces prompted it from me. Also the time I nearly ripped my pinky toe off at my parents’ house and the time I pierced my tongue with a bristle from a steel grill brush that was hiding in my steak. That last one actually required a tetanus shot.


Homer (after changing his name to Max Power): Kids, there’s three ways to do things – the right way, the wrong way and the Max Power way!

Bart: Isn’t that the wrong way?

Homer/Max Power: Yeah, but faster!

MadamBob and I frequently scream “MAX POWER!” at pedestrians who lack a sense of urgency while moseying through a crosswalk when WE have the green light. If you’re going to do something the wrong way at least do it the Max Power way and move your ass!


Homer: Shut up brain, or I’ll stab you with a Q-tip!

When Peggy said she wanted me to work on getting rid of my negative thought patterns I’m pretty sure this isn’t what she meant, but it works! Not for long, but it works.


Homer: To alcohol! The cause of – and solution to – all of life’s problems!

I can hold my liquor very well, but I don’t drink enough to use this quote as-is, so it’s often customized to fit the situation. Other causes of – and solutions to – all of life’s problems include: Nutella, creamy jalapeno dip, dating, dogs, money, push-up bras, cell phones, social media, sea monkeys and Goldenboy’s personal favorite – sisters.


Homer: No beer and no TV make Homer something, something…

Marge: Go crazy?

Homer: Don’t mind if I do!

This one was born to be a fill-in-the-blank!

No margaritas and no green sauce make Hellish something, something…

No carpool and no MadamBob make Hellish something, something…

No Max Power and no shotgun make Hellish something, something…

Go crazy?


That was fun!  And easy since I was already halfway there.

Now tell me…

What do you say when you require a tetanus shot?  What do you wish would work at Max Power?  What did your brain say to make you stab it with a Q-tip?  What is the cause of – and solution to – all of your problems?  What no ___ and no ___make you something, something…?

And what Homerisms do you use?

Come on Marge!  We’re missing the chili cook-off!

I mean, spill it Mildred.

I know it’s not just me!

This time.

Posted in humor, quotes | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

A Tale Of Two PITAs

In one overly verbose memo, it was announced last week that one of my bosses (PITA1) is leaving to start a company of his own and – not to be outdone – my other boss (PITA2) was promoted to President.

Needless to say it’s been more than a little nuts around the office.

I can barely catch my breath long enough to let it all sink in.

Supporting “the President formerly known as PITA2” is going to be challenging. Not that it wasn’t when he was the COO, but being President means more work and more stress and more exposure and more responsibility and…

And ditto all of that for me.

I’m already exhausted!

Losing PITA2 is going to be an adjustment. I’ve been working for him since day one and by the time he’s gone we’ll be two months shy of our 10 year anniversary.

And my feelings are very mixed.

I DO like him. He’s been good to me in his own weird way and I’ll miss him.

But I won’t miss the volatile temper, the irrational demands, the phone slamming or the way he gets louder and Louder and LOUDER until you stop talking and he gets to tell you (without actually saying it) how much of an idiot you are.

Because everyone is an idiot.

Everyone but PITA2.

One year we barely spoke to each other at all.

No seriously, A YEAR!

And do you know what caused it?

Neither do I!

All I did was ask him (like I did before every trip he took, per his instructions) if he wanted me to keep his newspapers while he was gone and he bit my head off! He screamed at me so long and so loud that after he walked away from his desk…so did I.

It was only 3:30pm but I shut everything down, texted MadamBob where I’d be and walked the squelch out!

I refer to him as “challenging” as opposed to “giant, puss-riddled sphincter.” It doesn’t help my attitude but it’s more office-appropriate.

To this day I don’t know how I managed to end up working here for another 5 years.

My best guess is a love of indoor plumbing, air conditioning and the furry, four-legged children who have an emergency vet fetish.

Also the mortgage company kind of insisted I keep paying them.

But I digress…

So, in conclusion, it’s going to get interesting up in here over the next couple of months. Eventually supporting President PITA will become second nature and PITA 1…

Well, PITA1 will move onto other endeavors.

And I’ll miss him.

In my own weird way.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Help A Sister Out

Who is more to be pitied, a writer bound and gagged by policemen or one living in perfect freedom who has nothing more to say?

~ Kurt Vonnegut

I’m stuck.


Which is truly surprising because – with every fiber of my being – I believed once the drama was extracted my life would fall back into place and the blog ideas would burst in my brain like a mouthful of Pop Rocks and Mountain Dew.

That was my sincere expectation.

Bless my heart.

Instead, I find myself unable to break out of the routine created to shield the world from my brokenness:  Work.  Home.  Sleep.  Repeat.  And while that rut served its purpose for a long, long time it does not make for interesting blog fodder.

So, while I try to figure out how to get myself back out into the world I’m asking you for help.

All three of you.

Please, for the love of a motherless goat, send me some ideas for blog posts!

Got a question?  Want an opinion?  Need me to elaborate on something previously posted?  Got a topic you don’t think is right for your blog but is perfectly twisted for mine?  Have a story you want me to finish… or start?  Created a made-up word and need a definition?  Need a doctor’s note to get you out of work?

Whatever you come up with – ANYTHING – please leave your strokes of brilliance in a comment or email it to me ( and I’ll do my best to blog the Hellish out of it!

Unless you DON’T want me to blog, in which case this is an excellent opportunity to passive-aggressively communicate your just not being that into me by NOT responding.

That’s definitely one heartbreaking way to go, but I’m blaming all of you when I drown my sorrows with a mashed potatoes and gravy bong and have to be cut out of my house.

Morgan Freeman knows it would cure the need for something to blog about, but nobody, and I mean NOBODY needs to see that!

So please, for the sake of mankind…

Help a Sister out!

Posted in Blogging, wordpress writing 101, writer's block, Writing, writing 101 | Tagged , , , , | 7 Comments

Emphasis on LIKE

Months ago, in one of many Peggy Appointments centered on self-compassion and being more accepting of my body, Peggy asked me to get in front of a mirror, ignore the non-stop hysterical loop of negative internal dialog and try to look at my body with kindness.


When I didn’t respond (or even blink) she added “It’s going to be uncomfortable but, start with the parts of you you like.

The parts of me I like?


The only reason I ever stare at my reflection is to make sure I don’t leave the house looking like my makeup was applied by a crack-addled, circus clown prostitute.


But, she’s the Peggy and nothing  changes until something changes so, I gave it a shot.

For about 30 seconds.

I tried again a few days later.  No luck.

There was nothing awesome or extraordinary or remarkable about what I was seeing, which opened the door for the bully who lives in the dark, twisted crevices of my psyche to start his relentless rant.

“Are you serious?  You’re’ actually going to try this?  You don’t like anything about your appearance! And why would you?  Dull eyes, thinning hair, an overbite, scars, stretch marks, bingo wings you could fly with and more dimples in your ass than a box of golf balls!  Pitiful!  No wonder you’re alone.  Who could love you?  Just look at yourself!  On second thought, just do us both a favor and turn away from the mirror.  We both know you’re going to shove your fat face in a bowl of mashed potatoes after this and trust me, neither of us wants to see that!”

Yeah, and that’s the abbreviated, toned-down, almost profanity-free version.

Mercifully, the whole experiment fell by the wayside as other, more kerosene-fueled fires monopolized all of my Peggy Appointments.


In an effort to write more frequently, I signed up for WordPress Writing 101, which I completely forgot about until the first prompt came through.   When Day 2’s exercise popped up (write a list of things you like) it seemed simple enough, until I went and decided to kill two onerous birds with one crazy stone by making the list about my body.

And, of course, I overthought it, until I decided to put the emphasis on the word “like.”

Not love or adore or worship.

Just LIKE.

And here’s what I came up with…

10 things I Like About My Body

  1. My eyebrows, which I can move independently of one another and are easily the most expressive feature on my face
  2. My eyelashes, which are long and black and make a wink that much more suggestive
  3. My tongue, which I can curl and flip upside down in either direction (you’d think I’d be more popular)
  4. My smile, which is crooked and more of a smirk that suggests I know something you don’t know, something naughty
  5. My collar bone, which is delicate and feminine and can easily be seen if I roll my shoulder forward
  6. My cleavage, which can drive men to distraction and occasionally acts as a debit card holder
  7. My waist, which is always smaller than my overly ample hips, no matter how wide I get
  8. My ankles, which look good with straps around them (shoes, I meant strappy shoes) and have never been classified as “cankles”
  9. My heart, which is literally and figuratively always in the right place
  10. ???

So there you have it.

Four days of work and it’s still only nine items long, but it’s done.

If anyone can think of something for #10 please let me know before 10am on Saturday so I can share it with Peggy.

It’s not exactly what she had in mind, but it’s a start!

Posted in daily post writing prompt, Peggy Appointments, therapy, things I like, wordpress writing 101 | Tagged , , , , , , | 4 Comments